well of lost thoughts

that's what i appear to be. reprehensible. disgraceful. it's one thing not liking myself. it's another thing to get to hear it from the person you love. especially when it's not the first time. and worse, if i think they're actually right, but i still can't really change. and i'm trying hard, that's not it, but i can't get it right. and then there's the voice in my head asking me whether i'm really that bad. do i never think of anyone or anything but myself? do i never do the thing that would hurt me but help her? am i really so bad that she's getting nothing out of it? and then, do i really not love her, as she's saying? am i imaginging things? i don't know it anymore. and i just want her to stop hating herself for loving me - and be loved for what i am, and not be treated like a sick cat, which you love, but makes your life hard, but you'll love it and try to heal it until it dies and then it leaves you devastated. i want to prove that i'm actually worth something. not just a waste of space. i need to prove it.